Peanut Butter & Jam Ricotta

Today I accidentally created a great snack!  I was looking through my refrigerator and spotted an unopened large container of Ricotta Cheese.  For me, Ricotta has always been something of a savory food addition (Lasagna or Cannolis) but I had heard from some friends on ObesityHelp that they have Ricotta as a staple in their diet - including sweet treats!  I decided today was the day to try it out.  I've been craving Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches lately, but bread is a no-go!  So, instead I decided to try to re-create the flavors.  It turned out delicious!

Here is my recipe to share:

Peanut Butter & Raspberry Jam Ricotta!

Servings: 1

Ingredients:

1/2 c. Ricotta Cheese (I used Frigo brand part-skim)
2 tbsp. PB2
1 tbsp. Torani Sugar-Free Raspberry Syrup
1 packet Sweetener of your choice (Optional, if you want it sweeter - I used Stevia myself.)

Directions:

Super easy - just combine all three ingredients and mix!  I prepared mine in a 1-cup portion cup and just stirred with a spoon.

Nutrition Information:

225 Calories, 13g Carbs, 14g Fat, 17g Protein, 2g Fiber, 7g Sugar

I hope you enjoy!  I won't be enjoying this treat often, but I do look forward to being able to satiate my PB&J cravings!  This will definitely be something I have during my pureed foods stage!

Victory Over Temptation

Last night I had the strongest case of 'head hunger' that I have had yet.  I was ravenous!  I had not only the urge to eat everything in sight, but my thoughts when trying to distract myself kept going back to food!  I am VERY proud to report that I did not diverge from my planned meals for the day, and was quite pleased to end the day on course.

How did I deal with it?  

1. I recognized that I had already eaten enough for the day, and my desire to eat was simply head hunger.
2. I said out loud to myself and to my husband "I want to binge-eat everything in sight right now. I am not going to let myself do that!".  I was tempted to describe the foods in the house and why I wanted to eat them, but made myself abruptly change the subject to something other than food.
3. I drank water.  And kept drinking water.  I could feel my stomach physically full (and a little sloshy) from how much water I drank.
4. I left the rooms closest to the kitchen and deliberately started doing something to keep my mind busy.  In this case, I opened my mail and scheduled some bills.
5. All of the above things were keeping me from eating, but the desire to eat was still burning through my thoughts.  My final action was to simply go to bed.  It was earlier than I usually go to bed, but I can't eat while sleeping!

I am proud to say that I got through it last night.  Only a week before, I gave in to that demon!  Although this is only one small battle in a lifelong war against my food addiction, each small victory will help me be stronger.  I can overcome food addiction.

Falling, then getting back up again.

If you talk to any weight loss surgery veteran, they will tell you that surgery is just the start of a difficult journey to a healthier life.  I can attest to the journey being difficult. I am still near the beginning of my lifelong journey, and had a major failure last week.

Let me start by talking about how well I have been doing!  I started making major life changes in mid-July, after meeting with my Nutritionist and joining the ObesityHelp community.  My life up until that point, I did not know HOW to eat healthy. All of a sudden, I had a slew of information at my fingertips that told me exactly how others were eating and what I should be eating - in terms of calories, protein, fat, and carbs.  Why hadn't anyone ever told me how to eat before??  I'm not talking about Diet A or Diet B... but a specific # of nutrients to be aiming for each day has never been shown to me.

It made all the difference!  I went through my house and (with the blessing and help from my husband), got rid of the foods that were poor choices that had led to my morbid obesity.  I threw away the popcorn, which is my trigger food. I swore off sweets and sugary items, desserts, high-fat low-nutrition items.  My family's refrigerator and pantry did a complete 180!

I also started my food journal.  This step alone truly opened my eyes to what I was putting into my body. I was quite quickly able to eliminate additional foods which I *thought* were healthy but instead not a good choice.  I reduced my daily caloric intake from about 1500 calories on average to about 750-800 on average over the course of 30 days. I have kept my protein intake above 80g protein daily - most days hitting about 100g.  I was drinking diet sodas already, but gave that up as well - July 19th marked my final carbonated drink!


With all of these successes in mind, and with about 15lb lost in less than 30 days, I felt like I was invincible and bound for success.  Sure, I had some (figurative and literal!) hiccups along the way, but for the most part I was doing well and I was learning from my mistakes. This isn't that hard!  I can resist emotional eating and making poor choices!  I have kicked my food binging habit!  I was WRONG.

On Friday August 14th, I had a busy day at work and a day full of good food choices.  The night prior, my husband and I went to Texas Roadhouse (a chain steakhouse) and we did well there - ordering Sirloin, Sauteed Mushrooms, Grilled Shrimp, and Chili.  I ate about half of my meal and saved my leftovers for my dinner the next day.  My breakfast, lunch, and snacks were spot-on as well!  The overall plan for the day was to eat 849 Calories, 88g Protein, 17g Carbs, and 38g Fat.  This was going to be an excellent day for my weight loss!

And it was... until that evening I found myself bored.  I don't often become bored because I fill my free time with video games, internet, or obsessing over this weight loss journey.  Whatever happened Friday, I was just not satisfied emotionally and nothing that I tried to do quenched my desire to eat.  So, I gave in and had one of my homemade protein fudgesicles.  It was delicious!  Before I knew it, I went back to the freezer and grabbed two more.  They were also fantastic.  The feelings of happiness, satisfaction, getting to eat something sweet... it all rushed to my head. It felt GOOD to eat, and I wasn't bored any more.

But it didn't stop there.  Next, I had some cheese... then some almonds... then some yogurt... then some jerky... and before I knew it, I was whipping together some brown sugar, butter, and flour to make eggless cookie dough.  About halfway through this cookie dough batch that I had made, I realized what had just happened.  I was in an uncontrollable eating frenzy!

I felt ashamed.  I felt scared.  I felt deceived.  I felt disappointed.
I thought about hiding what I had done.  I thought about not telling my husband.  I thought about pretending this didn't just happen. My husband was so proud of me for all of the hard work WE had been doing together, and the progress that WE were making... and I threw away the 'winning streak' in an evening of boredom home alone.

I made myself write down everything that I ate.  I made myself log it in MyFitnessPal.

I made myself look long and hard at all of the extra calories, sugar, and fat that I ate that wasn't needed.  I cried.  I vowed to never do it again.

But I set myself up for failure the next day.

The batch of eggless cookie dough that I made the night before?  The thing I was eating when I snapped out of my feeding frenzy?  I didn't throw away what was left.  I put it in a ziploc bag and hid it in the freezer. I hid it like it was a drug stash or a flask of favorite liquor.

I confessed my eating sins to my husband the next day. I told him about the binge. What I ate. Why I did it. I came clean... at least as far as he knew.  The whole time I was thinking about the cookie dough in my freezer, knowing that when he went to work I could finish it and he wouldn't know. No one would know.  Except me.  But I wanted it, and I wasn't going to stop myself.  I had already cheated by binging yesterday - so I had 'broken the seal' so to speak and I was going to do it again today. I had already failed myself, so what was stopping me?

I ate the cookie dough the next day.  I was already ashamed of myself before I even walked to the freezer. I knew that I should take the cookie dough and throw it straight into the trash.  I wasn't strong enough to throw it out. I ate the remaining dough, regretting it the instant I put the first spoonful into my mouth.  The sugary goodness that rolled over my tongue the night before felt too sweet, too rich.  All I could think of was my life up until that point, and how many times I had secretly eaten something I shouldn't... how many times I had binge-eaten... how many times I had satiated my emotions with food.

Something changed inside me that night.  I realized that my behavior is exactly why I weigh over 300 pounds.  That behavior is exactly why I failed with my first weight loss surgery.  That behavior is why I am so unhappy with the way I look.  All of the obsession with nutrition, eating healthy, exercising, blogging about my journey... that would all be a colossal waste of time if I allowed myself to fall and not get back up.  This weight loss surgery that I have been obsessing over, pouring my heart and soul into, would fail if I didn't also start fixing my food addiction.

I am going to get help for my food addiction.  I made an appointment with my PCP so I can ask her for a referral to a psychologist.  The Gastric Bypass is a tool that will help with the weight loss... but that is only part of the problem. I need to fix my head too! 

I thought about not sharing this story... that is why it has taken me over a week to come out with it.  I don't want to look 'bad' to anyone who might read this.  I don't want my Friends in the ObesityHelp community to think I am a failure.  It's hard to publicly admit to such a deep personal issue, but I feel that it is necessary for me to help defeat it.  Also, if I can help just one person come to terms with their own food addiction, then sharing the story will be worth it.

3 Days of Walking

I posted on Saturday that I proudly began an exercise regime that I was going to stick to.  I can confidently say that today marked 3 days in a row!  Now I know some people might think to themselves "OK, this chick is getting excited over 3 days of workouts? What a lazy bum!" -- they can go eat a carrot!  It's a big deal to me to set a goal then follow-through with it.

Now, not much of a visual change but I can recognize that the apprehension to exercise is fading each day. The first day wasn't a fluke - I really feel better afterwards. It's like my body is THANKING me for getting the blood flowing.  And really, 18 minutes is practically nothing!  Soon, when I can finish the 18-minute more easily, I will upgrade to the 30-minute 2 mile routine.

In the meantime - thanks Leslie Sansone! I'm glad we're becoming friends! 

Exercising for the First Time

Today was a major triumph! Today I committed to an exercise plan.  One of my major lifelong inadequacies is that I have never exercised.  Sure, I have tried from time to time - joining Curves at one point, accompanying my Mother to Jazzercise, taking walks with my husband, swimming laps in my community pool -- I could just never STICK TO IT or commit for more than a short amount of time.
Next, previous failure made me unable/unwilling to try again. Being morbidly obese, the idea of exercise to me came with memories of pain, embarrassment, shame, and cluelessness. On top of that, as my weight has risen, so has my social anxiety - to the point that I am agoraphobic. Now, how am I supposed to take a neighborhood walk if I have a panic attack leaving the house by myself?

In preparing for my revision surgery, I began taking all of the necessary steps to prepare my household for my post-surgery life. We purged the bad foods, bought the protein shakes, researched how to EAT healthy. All the while, I had a nagging sensation that I am intentionally ignoring the other half of my post-op recovery: EXERCISE.

Now, everyone PLANS on exercising. It'll always start tomorrow.  Trying to fall asleep at night, thinking about how you can improve your life... tomorrow is when you'll start eating right and exercising. Tomorrow you'll go join that gym. I did the same for many years.

What changed?  I stopped talking about it, and just DID IT. I reached out to my friends on the ObesityHelp forums for suggestions on how to incorporate exercise into my life while avoiding the most common 'walk the neighborhood for 30 minutes' solution.  While there were many good ideas and words of encouragement, the idea that struck me was a suggestion to try a at-home video by Leslie Sansone. I searched Amazon and instantly found a DVD called Leslie Sansone: Walk Away the Pounds Ultimate Collection.

This DVD looked extremely promising. It features 4 routines in the one DVD.
From the Amazon description:
 1 Mile Get Up & Get Started- 18 MinutesGet Up & Get Started will show you all the basics for a brisk, upbeat walk from perfect posture to using weights to make this a walk for your whole body! This gentle and effective form of exercise will help you tone your legs, buns and abs, condition your heart, speed up your metabolism and help fight aging! Optional Equipment: 1lb. weights
2 Mile Brisk Walk-30 Minutes
This 2 mile walking workout builds strength, endurance and flexibility, while boosting energy levels and super-charging your upper and lower body. You get 30 minutes of power-packed cardio, followed by a targeted, body-toning routine, and a series of yoga-like stretching moves with the Stretchie that will leave you feeling both challenged and renewed.
3 Mile Advanced Walk- 51 Minutes
This challenging 3 mile walking workout is going to give you so much more. You re getting 45 minutes of intense fat burning and body sculpting, plus a revitalizing resistance band routine with the Stretchie that takes the power of your workout to a whole new, invigorating level. Walk strong as you add kicks, curls, lifts and stretches to tighten your tummy, boost your buns, trim your thighs, and reshape your back, arms, and waist for maximum results!
4 Mile Super Challenge- 60 Minutes
This high-intensity, 4 mile walking workout will challenge every major muscle group in your body while burning the maximum amount of calories. You will build energy, strengthen your core, blast away the fat and inches, and boost your metabolism for all-day fat burning that doesn t stop, even when you do! You re getting a health club quality workout in your home, on your own time.

Wait, I can walk a MILE in my house? It only takes 18 minutes? I can do this while my husband isn't home or sleeping?  I purchased it right away (Note, the cost was less than $10 so it was a pretty quick decision).

Next was the self-doubt. As soon as I ordered the DVD, I thought to myself: "Here you go Felicity. Starting up another dead-end exercise regime. Why even spend the money when you could walk in place yourself? What makes you think you will even OPEN the box?".  As you will grow to learn about me, self-doubt runs RAMPANT through my head. It's something I deal with every day, and a major reason I haven't been successful in the past. I doubt myself too much.

Back on point.  I receive the DVD in the mail on a Thursday. My husband was home all day that day, I had very little sleep, my body was sore, and I had too much to do.  OK - I'll put it off until tomorrow.  Friday comes around and I talk myself out of it because I am too busy at work and I needed to clean the kitchen.  What kind of lame excuses were those?  Am I really looking for any excise to avoid moving my body?

I had a heart-to-heart with my husband Friday night. We discussed our shared weight loss goals, his concerns about his own success on our plan, and I expressed my crippling fear of exercise. He responded with simply: "You realize that once you start exercising, it'll make you feel BETTER, right?"  I didn't believe him.  My exercise experiences in the past were exhausting at best. He went on to say that exercising gives you MORE energy, and eventually you look forward to it.  That concept was unbelievable to me.

So today I was doing my usual Saturday activities - clean the house, start the laundry, take care of some things that I don't pay attention to during the week. Then the idea hit me... "It's a Saturday afternoon. Your husband isn't home. Why not put the DVD in now and see what it's all about?"  SO I DID!  I put on a sports bra, some shoes/socks, put the hair in a pony tail, and just DID IT.

I am in terrible shape. I have done as little physical activity as possible for as long as I can remember. I naturally select the 18-minute one mile workout to start. The atmosphere of the video was welcoming, Leslie Sansone was friendly and encouraging, and the instructions were clear and I didn't feel out of place.  No one could see what I was doing!  I decided to give it my 'all' and give the workout my best effort.

My heart was already pumping hard even as the warmup was ending.  The screen popped up a quarter mile marker... and I burst into tears.  I was doing this!  I was LITERALLY taking steps towards this life that I always wanted. I was exercising the way I am supposed to, and I had a sudden moment in my mind where I could PICTURE MYSELF THIN AND HEALTHY. That thought alone pushed me through and kept me sweating.

Next, the half mile marker came up on the screen. By now I am VERY heavily breathing, sweating, and definitely feeling the muscles working. The surprising part was - it didn't hurt. It wasn't until the very end of the next quarter mile that I felt like I was overdoing it. I had pushed myself past the half mile, I kept up the pace with the steps on the TV... and my body was telling me it was too much.  So I called it a partial success and sat down.  30 seconds later, Leslie called out that it's time to start cooling down.  Thirty seconds more and I would have made it through the whole video!  I jumped back up and decided that I can PUSH myself to finish this workout. 

As soon as I stood back up, the marker popped up on the screen again to announce we've walked 3/4 of a mile.  The surge of emotion when I got to that point was almost staggering. I started crying again, huge tears rolling down my cheeks alongside the sweat as I am stepping along with the TV to finish the cool-down period. Soon after, the video segment was complete and I had finished my first workout in over 10 years.

Know how I felt?  AMAZING.  Sure, my thighs were a little tired (not sore) and I was sweating like a cold coke on a humid day... but I felt GOOD.  Not only did my body give me signs that "hey, I like the blood flow - keep it up!" but my mood was good. I wasn't tired. And most importantly, I felt PROUD of myself.  I proved my inner voice of doubt wrong.  I showed myself that I would succeed and I would reach my weight loss goals.  Not only with diet, but by incorporating just a little time commitment into each day.  Today I overcame my fear of exercise.

 

326lb, Excercise Day 1 - August 8th, 2015

(Note, the "After" picture I was not only red from exercise, but had been crying happy tears a moment before!)

Hopefully sharing with all of you how DIFFICULT it was for me to even get started - Maybe it can help you too!  I will leave you with a quote from Dale Carnegie which hit the nail on the head:

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.

An unexpected recipe... Asian Chicken Broth!

In my current pre-surgery Gastric Bypass journey, I am trying out new recipes that will be enjoyable and nutritious after surgery.

Today, my goal was to make Egg Drop Soup!  Alas, as I was getting to the last step - beating an egg and adding to my boiling broth - I discovered that my dearest husband had hard-boiled all of the eggs in our house!  After a brief chuckle and a funny text message to husband dearest, I decided to seize this opportunity to test a recipe idea I had for the clear liquids phase of the diet.

Note: It's a lovely yellow color - with a little bit of foamy top from the protein powder!

I bring you:

Protein-Added Asian Chicken Broth (a.k.a. Egg Drop Soup without Eggs)!

Servings: 1

Ingredients:

1 tsp. Chicken Bouillon
1 c. Water
1/4 tsp. Sesame Oil
1/4 tsp. Ginger Paste
1/4 tsp. Soy Sauce
1 scoop Syntrax Unsweetened Medical Protein Powder

Directions:

In a small pot, add the Chicken Broth Mix to the water. If you prefer using premade mix, simply add in 1 cup of chicken broth. Add Sesame Oil, Ginger Paste, Soy Sauce. Bring to a boil. Usually here is where you would add 1 beaten egg to the liquid (while stirring). Turn off heat and continue to stir for one minute.
Right before drinking, mix in 1 scoop of unflavored protein powder.

Nutrition Information:

(via MyFitnessPal):

Without Eggs	With Eggs

I hope you enjoy!  I, for one, will be utilizing this recipe without egg during my clear liquids phase because it is so tasty! Then when on the pureed foods phase, this will be a good source of protein and a great source of flavor in the sometimes monotonous diet!

August Goals

This was a neat post on the ObesityHelp forums by another user, and I figured it would be a good start of each month to post my goals for the upcoming month and how I did on last month's goals!

How did I do with my July goals?
- Get appointments finished for revision surgery approval: DONE! I did NUT, Cardiologist, EDG and gathered all medical records.
- Get approved for revision surgery:  Not submitted yet. My Gastro. who did my EDG has taken over TEN DAYS so far to write up the report. Just waiting on him.
- Start Journaling my Food:  DONE! I am logging all of my food on MyFitnessPal (EVERY BITE GOOD OR BAD) and I am already seeing results!
- Drink at least 72oz of Water Daily: Improving! I got an app called Waterlogged and have drastically increased how much I am drinking. Prior to this, there were some days I drank NOTHING all day. And magically, within 2 weeks of drinking more water I started my menstrual cycle. Might not be a big deal to some, but when you get 1-2 periods per year, it's a cause for celebration!
- Make other health appointments needed: DONE. I made an optometrist appointment because of my low vision (unfortunately found out I have cataracts at 32 years old) and have a Dermatologist appointment scheduled for September. And PCP annual exam this week.
-  Purge my household of all bad foods:  Work-in-progress. I sometimes find something I shouldn't have and can't resist temptation. I threw out my worst trigger food (popcorn) and as I see others, I try to throw them out before eating them, instead of during the guilt after.

Set up my August Goals:
- Keep all existing appointments.  Due to my anxiety, I sometimes cancel appointments because I go into panic mode. 
- Get approved for revision surgery: Not really in my control at this point, but I am REALLY hoping to have a date on the books by this time next month!
- Lose 10 pounds: Continuing to eat high protein and low-carb even before surgery will make this happen. I can do it! Today I am at 328.6 - so the goal is 318.6 by Sept 5th!
- Start Exercising: Find a way I can exercise daily as an agoraphobic. Going to try to use my XBox Kinect "Your Shape Fitness Evolved" as well as "Leslie Sansone: Walk Away the Pounds" set of videos that I can do from my living room.
- Meet my 72oz Water Goal at least 25 days this month: I am worst on the weekends because I sleep in. I can improve though!
- Food Journal Every Day: I will continue to food journal everything that goes into my mouth, no excuses!
- Avoid Unhealthy Foods at the Grocery Store: I've purged the house of bad foods - now time to avoid them when grocery shopping so they don't sneak back in!

Does goal writing help you too?

Introduction!

Hello, world!
I am Felicity and this blog is to share my Weight Loss Surgery journey with the world.
Why am I doing this?  I feel that part of my journey to a better ME is to document my own thoughts, challenges, and successes along the way - and hopefully - help others who may be going through some of the same thoughts and feelings that I am.

This blog is about weight loss, so let's get the important info out of the way first.  I have struggled with weight for as long as I can remember.  When I was a child growing up, I remember being scolded for sneaking lunch treats and eating too much outside my family mealtime. I had a poor body image because I was 'chubby' which led me to eat even more. I was over 200lb by the time I was 14 years old. I was over 250 by 17 and broke the 300lb mark around age 21.  My highest weight was about 380lb when I was 27 years old.

Magically, even though I was heavy, I was relatively healthy.  I am lucky to not have had any co-morbidities that are often associated with super obesity.  I am not diabetic, my blood pressure is in a normal range, no heart conditions.  I did have issues with little-to-no menstrual cycles, back pain, and sleep apnea.  It was hard to do any physical activity and I would get winded just walking through a parking lot.

It was at my highest weight of 380lb that I decided I had to do SOMETHING. Hundreds and thousands of dollars in diets and gym memberships weren't working. I could lose a little weight, but then immediately regain. I always felt hunger.  That is when I started looking online into Weight Loss Surgery.  I had a great job with good benefits which included bariatric surgery. So, I got up the courage to call a local surgeon within my network and schedule a consultation.

The surgeon was very charming and nice and made me feel right at home. My online research all pointed towards getting a Lap-Band procedure, so I expressed interest in that to the surgeon. He let me know that I would be a great candidate and set me up on the approval process. Although I dragged my feet along the way (getting medical records was a challenge!) 18 months later in July 2011 I was recovering from my brand new band.

This is where I wish I could start telling you about how well the surgery went and how it worked for me.  It didn't.  I followed the post-op instructions, but was so HUNGRY all the time. I only lost about 20lb within the first 4 months, then another 20lb over the next 4 years, but never did I see any significant weight loss. I had many adjustments to the restriction of the band, but it was never quite right. Some days I could eat a large movie theater popcorn with butter, then other days I would wake up and a glass of water would not pass through my restriction. I was left depressed that even I was too fat for this lap band to work.  I had even lower self-esteem and self-loathing that I paid money for a surgery, went under the knife, and had nothing to show for it except some scars.

Fast forward to 2015.  I have been frustrated with my Lap-Band for 4 years now.  I feel like it is a curse. I have an unhealthy relationship with food - I binge-eat foods that will pass my band and avoid foods that will give me issues. It was finally in June of 2015 that I decided to look into what is called a "Revision Surgery" - basically, removal of the Lap Band and changing to another form of weight loss surgery.  I was very interested in this after hearing about an acquaintance of my husband having the same issues with his lap band as I did, then revising to a Gastric Sleeve (VSG) and being very successful.  Maybe I wasn't the issue, and instead I chose the wrong surgery?

I finally made an appointment for a consultation with a respectable surgeon in my state that does WLS revisions. My pre-authorization tests are completed and paperwork is underway - I decided that a revision to a Gastric Bypass (RNY) is the best bet for me, and I am making lifestyle changes to make sure I succeed.  More about that -- and a surgery date -- soon!